Dignity and desire for control go hand-in-hand with money decisions.

There’s been so much ink spilled about how adult children should talk to their older parents about their final years, that I want to turn the question on its head: 

What do older parents want their grown children to know about their personal and financial decisions? 

I have my own agenda here. Trying to have this conversation is the rocky slope my brother and I keep stumbling up and down with our 86-year-old mom. We’ve had no trouble getting her estate documents and funeral arrangements in order. Where our discussions keep falling apart is around all the pre-pre-death stuff.

This is not uncommon, according to a 2025 survey by the Pew Research Center: 68 percent of adults age 65 and older say they’ve discussed their funeral/burial wishes with their adult kids — but only 44 percent have expressed how they’d prefer to live when they’re no longer independent. 

To me, and nearly a dozen financial professionals I consulted for this piece, that gap is telling. It’s easier for many older people and their adult children to tackle a finite topic like a funeral than to explore the complicated and uncomfortable terrain of frailty, independence, identity and control.

As a result, people often treat their parents “as a project with a checklist,” says Jeff Judge, CFP, a managing partner with Chesapeake Financial Planners in Forest Hill, Maryland. “But this is a relationship, one where money should be part of a much bigger conversation about your parent’s dignity and their fear of becoming a burden.”

Stop Checking the Checklist

In fact, many conversations stall out because the younger generation doesn’t grasp that independence and identity are paramount for aging parents. “Adult children often assume their parents’ highest priority is preserving their assets,” says Mike Casey, a wealth manager with AE Advisors in Alexandria, Virginia, “while many retirees are more focused on preserving their quality of life.” 

This was eye-opening for me. That grim look on my mother’s face as we discussed moving her to assisted living wasn’t stubbornness but resistance — and fear. As Melissa Caro, founder of My Retirement Network, an adviser training firm in New York, puts it: “If your parent says, ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ they may really be saying, ‘I’m scared of losing my independence.’” 

Some older adults have no trouble telling their grown children what their preferences are. But for many families, communication is a struggle.  If you’re in that boat, Casey suggests an opening  conversation: “Adult children should ask, ‘What does a good future look like for you, Mom?’ instead of assuming they know the answer.”

When Care Cuts Into the Inheritance 

Opening the door to discuss how your parents view the future gets into another area for potential conflict: the potential need for long-term care.

It would be nice to believe that “most healthy adult children would much rather see their parents safe, comfortable and well cared for than preserve a larger inheritance,” Caro says. But you don’t have to watch Netflix to know that’s not always the case. Some adult kids are expecting an inheritance, while their parents are afraid to tell them they’ll need more of their assets for their own care.

“I’ve seen parents prioritize in-home help, home modifications and technology that allows them to age in place, while the kids are still framing the conversation around what assets will be left someday,” says Patrick Huey, CFP and founder of Victory Independent Planning in Naples, Florida. “Those are not the same conversation.”

It’s hard to say how often many older adults cover up their own medical needs — or their personal preferences — to avoid an uncomfortable money talk with their kids. But it may be more common than you think, Casey says. “One of the biggest messages I wish more adult children understood is: Your parents would rather spend their money on living well than leave more money after they’re gone.”

Make Time for the Tech Talk

For many families, though, an inheritance is not the issue (after all, some 72 percent of Americans don’t even have an estate plan). For these families, the impact of caregiving looks very different. Some 59 million people take care of an adult with a medical condition or disability, according to the 2025 report Caregiving in the U.S. Not only do caregivers report spending 27 hours per week, on average, providing care — the vast majority, roughly 49 million, are unpaid. 

This, too, is a topic adult children should prioritize when talking about their parents’ future, says Leslie Beck, owner of Compass Wealth Management in Rutherford, New Jersey. “I don’t see enough communication with children about how parents want to age,” Beck says. “Do they want to age in place, move to continuing care? Are they mentally counting on their children to care for them, even if their children don’t want to do that?”

Some older adults are in denial about their need for help as they get older. But many are keenly aware of this eventuality, and are eager to try assistive technologies that might offset the need for in-home care and enable them to remain independent longer. 

As the Century Lives podcast “The Age-Tech Revolution” notes, the number of sensors, monitors and wearable devices designed to help older adults live longer, better is surging — as are an astonishing array of robotic helpers and tools. Though most devices aren’t yet covered by Medicare or Medicaid, 57 percent of older Americans surveyed in 2025 said using assistive or health-related tech has enhanced their quality of life.

“Tech is the other thing adult kids get backwards,” says Jeff Judge of Chesapeake Financial Planners. “The resistance isn’t about the technology, it’s not being asked. Adult kids assume their parents will refuse, so they never bring it up, and their parents never get the chance to say yes.”