Practice of the Month: How to Foster 5 Key Relationships

By Nikki Molumphy and Sharon Brock, MEd, MS

The “epidemic of loneliness” has exacerbated feelings of disconnection and isolation, especially within the past five years. Among U.S. adults, 53 percent say they have between one and four close friends, and 8 percent say they have no close friends. The digital age has undoubtedly threatened in-person interactions, resulting in shallower connections and increased isolation. Driven by his commitment to nurturing meaningful relationships, Chaplain Bruce Feldstein, MD, BCC, Adjunct Clinical Professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, created a spiritual fitness exercise called “Key Relationships” to improve well-being and foster a deeper sense of connection.

“The Key Relationships practice is about living life in a meaningful and openhearted way,” says Dr. Feldstein, head of the Gratitude & Purpose pillar of Stanford Lifestyle Medicine. “When we ask ourselves, ‘How can I sustain myself and my well-being during times of stress?’ The answer is that we cannot do it alone, but we can cultivate these five key relationships to support us.”

Practice of the Month: Fostering 5 Key Relationships

• Self
• Soul Friend
• Therapist
• Colleague
• Transcendent

How to Foster the Relationship with:

1) Your Self

The relationship with ourselves is multifaceted, encompassing not only our physical bodies but also the mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects. Dr. Feldstein says that developing a healthy relationship with ourselves includes nurturing all of these aspects, recognizing that we can accomplish more than we can imagine while accepting the limitations of our physical bodies.

“Let us appreciate that we are finite beings. On one hand, we can only do what our body and being allows us to do.  On the other hand, it is also true we can do more than we can possibly imagine or dream,” says Dr. Feldstein. “Supporting a positive relationship with the self includes practices of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-respect, self-forgiveness, practices for grit, resilience, and endurance, as well as practices for gratitude, celebration, and focusing on the good in your life. Developing a healthy relationship with self includes embodying ‘the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’.”

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with myself?

2) Your Soul Friend

We live in relation with others: family, friends, people in the community, and people at work.  A soul friend is someone you connect with at a level of deep meaning and understanding. Someone with whom you can share freely, be vulnerable, and be listened to without judgment. Soul friends include people you can turn to at two o’clock in the morning during a crisis. A soul friend can be someone you’ve known for years, but also a new friend.

“A soul friend is someone you connect with at the level of soul, in a soulful way, which means with full acceptance and unconditional positive regard,” says Dr. Feldstein.

Some examples include:

• A friend from childhood
• A grandparent
• A romantic partner
• A best friend

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with a soul friend?

3) Your Therapist

This relationship can be with a licensed therapist, but for this exercise, you can think of the word “therapist” as an individual who allows you to thoroughly process your inner feelings, hardships, triumphs, and all the ebbs and flows of life. Dr. Feldstein checks in regularly with his therapist with whom he reflects on his current situations and inner life. As a chaplain, he also provides this kind of relationship to a wide range of people.

“For me, working with a therapist is akin to a baseball player who works weekly with a batting coach to monitor his swing and mental attitude at the plate,” says Dr. Feldstein. “The therapist relationship allows me to observe and talk through my stories, fears, uncertainties, joys, gratitude, or moods and gain perspective and guidance.”

Some examples include:

• Counselors
• Chaplains
• Psychologist
• Psychiatrist
• Life Coach
• Social Worker
• Spiritual Director

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with a therapist?

4) Your Colleague

Colleagues refer to those who have shared day-in and day-out life experiences, such as a workplace, school, or community group. They often have a shared commitment such as a mission statement of a company or a volunteering goal.

Some examples include:

• A co-worker
• Another individual in your same profession
• Someone you’re taking a class with
• Someone you’re volunteering with
• A teammate

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with a colleague?

5) The Transcendent

As human beings, we periodically experience moments of awe, inspiration, intuition, gratitude, and grace. We are in relationship with something greater than ourselves—something sacred that cannot be named or fully understood. Typically, we are fully present in these moments, and sometimes they feel like time is standing still.

These experiences can be a “once in a lifetime” moment, such as climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. But they can also be ordinary moments, like encountering a rainbow, observing the sunlight on flickering leaves, being enthralled by the taste of chocolate, or feeling touched by an unexpected act of kindness. You nurture your relationship with the transcendent when you experience a sense of connection with what you define as divine or sacred—which is personal to you.

Dr. Feldstein says, “Possibilities for transcendent moments are abundant. They can happen anytime and anywhere – in nature, while making or appreciating art or music, during movement, prayer or meditation, volunteering, reading something inspirational, or laughing with a loved one. Anything that makes your spirit happy and brings you joy.”

Some examples include:

• The experience of elation after a hard workout or dance session
• The feeling of “awe” while looking at art or nature or listening to music
• Engaging in a passion project
• Spiritual rituals, such as meditation or prayer
• Mindfulness practices that bring your mind into the present moment

Journal Prompt: How can I foster my relationship with the transcendent?

What if I Don’t Have All Five Relationships in My Life?

Amidst busy schedules and social fatigue, it’s understandable that you may lack some of these relationships. Life is inevitably hectic, but if you desire deeper connections, consider these ideas:

• Volunteer at a local food, animal, or homeless shelter.
• Sign up for an intramural sports team or group fitness class.
• Plan a get-together, cocktail party, or BBQ with close friends and new friends.
• Organize an outing with work colleagues, such as hiking local trails, playing a round of golf, or facilitating a book club.
• Make reoccurring plans with people in your life, such as a monthly happy hour with friends, weekly phone call with parents, and a daily text with a loved one.

“Having at least three of the key relationships solidly in place is important to feel emotionally supported in case a life challenge occurs,” says Dr. Feldstein. “All five is ideal, but having at least three in place at any given moment is essential to feeling emotionally supported.”

Journal Prompt: Which of the five key relationships are strong in your life and support your well-being? Take a moment to feel gratitude for these solid relationships. For the key relationships that need more attention, what is one action step you can take to establish or nurture that relationship?

For additional resources for social and spiritual well-being, see Dr. Feldstein’s Spiritual Fitness Toolkit.

Also, here are more practical tips on how to build and enhance relationships, created by members of Dr. BJ Fogg’s Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University.