Finding Purpose in Midlife and Beyond
“What is it you plan to do with your wild and precious life?”
What if this famous line by poet Mary Oliver was not only relevant to people in their teens, but also in midlife? Given the considerable research on longevity, people are living healthier and longer lives, redefining what it is to be middle-aged. There is an antiquated cultural belief that once a person reaches the age of about 50, it’s too late to reinvent themselves or choose a new path. But now that we are living longer, we have a more expansive sense of time left to experience more joy, meaning, and impact.
“Rather than a midlife crisis, I call this time in our lives a midlife reckoning,” says Barbara Waxman, MS, gerontologist, leadership coach, and Stanford Lifestyle Medicine advisory board member. “Many people come to me worried that it’s too late to re-write their script and to recalibrate their on-going commitment to purpose. The truth is there is no ‘sell by’ date limiting your usefulness when you have decades of life and leadership in front of you.”
Similar to adolescence, Waxman coined the term middlescence as the period between early midlife and later midlife when many transitions occur, such as physical changes, menopause, andropause, empty nest, divorce, and caretaking of parents. With her clients, Waxman promotes the idea that middlescence is not the beginning of the end; rather, it can be a time to re-evaluate how one spends their time, explore different hobbies and careers, and declare a new purpose based on their current values, perspectives, and circumstances.
“Midlife is a perfect time to revisit and reassess choices we’ve made earlier in life that no longer fit,” says Waxman. “We have a better understanding of ourselves and what we care about. We’ve honed our skills, have more confidence, and have more to offer. We might have an inner calling that is shifting us in a different direction.”
What if I Can’t Find My Purpose?
Not everyone has a clear sense of purpose. In fact, many people struggle with “finding” their purpose and feel ashamed for this lack of clarity. But rather than define our purpose based on what is reasonable or practical, Waxman invites us to listen within and ask ourselves what is really important to us.
“Defining your purpose doesn’t come from the brain alone; it also comes from the heart and the gut. So instead of trying to ‘figure it out’, ask yourself, ‘What feels right?’” says Waxman. “When people have a clear sense of purpose, it’s like the wind beneath their wings—there’s an effervescence in how they show up.”
Waxman also says that many people put so much pressure on themselves to have a grandiose purpose, such as saving the environment or ending world hunger, that they don’t acknowledge the importance of the smaller contributions they make every day.
When working with clients, Waxman often references this quote from Mother Theresa: “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”
“The obsession with finding one’s purpose can cause the stress that blocks you from seeing what is right in front of you and what you’re already doing,” says Waxman. “The little things you do each day, such as calling your loved ones or cooking meals for your family, count. I call these your ‘little p’ purposes, which are just as important as your ‘big P’ purpose. And the little p’s add up to create a purposeful life.”
Three Steps to Find Your Purpose in Midlife
When trying to identify our purpose, Waxman recommends that we start small and notice the little things in our lives that bring us joy. Waxman helps us break down the process of finding our “big P” purpose by offering these three journal prompts:
- What sparked joy today?
- What is a skill we have related to this joy?
- What need in the world does this skill fulfill?
Steps 1 and 2 can be defined as our “little p” purposes, leading to step 3—a potential “big P” purpose. For example, in Waxman’s life, working in her vegetable garden sparks joy and she has a skill of cooking (“little p” purposes). She applies this skill while volunteering at a soup kitchen every week, which reduces food waste and feeds the hungry in her community (“big P” purposes).
“Since what brings us joy and our skills change over time, it makes sense that we would have multiple purposes in our lifetimes,” says Waxman. “Living a purposeful life can be as simple as having a sense of gratefulness and being the best you can be every day. These small things are big things—it’s just about recognizing them to be so.”
