Practice of the Month: How to Foster our 5 Most Important Relationships

By Nikki Molumphy and Sharon Brock

The “epidemic of loneliness” has exacerbated feelings of disconnect and isolation, especially within the past five years. Among US adults, 53 percent say they have between one and four close friends and 8 percent say they have no close friends. Undoubtedly, the digital age has posed threats to in-person interactions resulting in shallower connections and increased isolation. Driven by his commitment to nurturing meaningful relationships, Bruce Feldstein, MD, BCC, head of the Gratitude and Purpose pillar, Founder of the Jewish Chaplaincy services, and Adjunct Clinical Professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, cultivated a spiritual fitness exercise–The 5 Key Relationships–to improve well-being and foster a deep sense of connection.

“The 5 Key Relationships practice is about living life in a way that is easeful and openhearted,” says Dr. Feldstein. “If I asked myself, ‘How can I sustain myself and my well-being during times of stress?’ The answer is that I cannot do it alone, but I can cultivate these five key relationships in my life to support me.”

Practice of the Month: The 5 Key Relationships Practice

Here are the 5 Key Relationships:

• Self
• Soul Friend
• Therapist
• Colleague
• Transcendent

With your Self

Our relationship with ourselves is multifaceted, encompassing not only our physical body but also our mental, emotional, psychological, and social aspects. Even though our physical bodies become limited as we age, we can continue to develop our other aspects, and we should not underestimate our potential. Dr. Feldstein says that developing a healthy relationship with ourselves includes “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with myself?

With your Soul Friend

Think about a person in your life you are whole-heartedly yourself with, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Research shows that strong social bonds are better predictors of longevity than IQ, genes, or social class.

Some examples include:

• A friend from childhood
• A grandparent
• A romantic partner
• A best friend

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with my soul friend?

With your Therapist

You may think this relationship must be as a licensed professional, but for this exercise, you can think of the word “therapist” as an individual who allows you to thoroughly process your inner feelings, hardships, triumphs, and all of the ebbs and flows of life.

“For me, it’s akin to a baseball player who works weekly with a batting coach to monitor his swing and mental attitude at the plate,” says Dr. Feldstein. “The therapist relationship allows me to observe and talk through my stories, fears, uncertainties, joys, gratitude, or moods and gain perspective and guidance.”

Some examples include:

• Counselors
• Chaplains
• Psychologist
• Parent
• Friend

Journal Prompt: How can I foster the relationship with my therapist?

With your Colleague

Colleagues refer to those who have shared day-in and day-out life experiences, such as a workplace environment.

Some examples include:

• A co-worker or manager
• Another individual in your same profession
• Someone you are taking an academic class with

If you are struggling in a new work environment or want to connect with your colleagues, start with “micro-moments,” which include brief conversations or warm gestures toward them. It is essential to put in an intentional effort to engage with others. Another powerful way to foster connection is to “ask more, tell less,” which elicits a dopamine response in humans, similar to food or money.

If working in person, look to connect:

• during meeting breaks
• during a bathroom break
• while eating lunch

If working remotely, look to connect:

• before the Zoom meeting begins
• by planning an in-person interaction
• through communication platforms like Slack

Journal Prompt: How can I foster relationships with my colleagues (or just one colleague)?

With the Transcendent

You nurture your relationship with the transcendent when you experience a sense of connection with what you define as divine or sacred–which is personal to you. Dr. Feldstein says, “Possibilities for transcendent moments are abundant. They can happen anytime and anywhere – in nature, while making or appreciating art or music, during movement, prayer or meditation, volunteering, reading something inspirational, or laughing with a loved one. Anything that makes your spirit happy and brings you joy.”

Some other examples include:

• The endorphins felt after a hard workout or dance session
• The feeling of “awe” while looking at art or nature
• Engaging in a passion project
• Connecting your spirit with that of your definition of God in a spiritual ritual, such as meditation or prayer

Journal Prompt: How can I foster my relationship with my definition of the transcendent?

What if I Don’t Have All Five Relationships in My Life?

Amidst busy schedules and social fatigue, it’s understandable that you may lack some of these relationships. Life is inevitably hectic, but if you desire deeper connections, consider these ideas:

• Volunteer at a local food, animal, or homeless shelter.
• Sign up for an intramural sports team or group fitness class.
• Plan a get-together, cocktail party, or BBQ with close friends and new friends.
• Organize an outing with work colleagues, such as hiking local trails, playing a round of golf, or facilitating a book club.

“Having at least three of the key relationships solidly in place is important to feel emotionally supported in case a life challenge occurs,” says Dr. Feldstein. “All five is ideal, but having at least three in place at any given moment is essential.”

Journal Prompt: Which of the relationships are strong and support your well-being? Take a moment to feel gratitude for these solid relationships. For each relationship needing more attention, what is one action step you can take to nurture that relationship?